


The Countless Times I Fell In Love

by Voido



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mild Angst, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, small bits of ryuji's confidant, spoilers for the whole game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 19:19:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14479422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Voido/pseuds/Voido
Summary: ...and didn't notice you did, too.People have never been particularly nice to Ryuji. Even back during track team times, he's been known as a foul-mouthed brat that's up to no good.That's fine, though, he doesn't need them. After all, he's already found his place to be, anyways.





	The Countless Times I Fell In Love

**Author's Note:**

> Me while writing the summary beforehand: "Aw, this'll be so cute. I'll make it a 1000-maybe-2000-ish One Shot with simple, small PegoRyu-fluff-moments that are mostly canon-compliant. It'll be very sweet and short. :3"  
> Me midway in: "WHAT'S GOING ON, IT'S OUT OF CONTROL, _STOOOOOOOOOOP_ "  
> So, basically...just my casual PegoRyu-experience for you.

The first time Ryuji grabs ramen with Akira, he realizes three things:

First: The guy is in absolutely no possible way a criminal. Ryuji doesn't need to hear his story to know that.

Second: Food is countless times better in good company.

Third: Suddenly, the thought of having to go to school tomorrow doesn't even feel that bad.

Even though the topics they discuss are rather serious, Ryuji feels carefree. It's like whatever he says, Akira just listens, a serious but polite look on his face. He doesn't look eager, but also not uninterested. It's like he doesn't yet entirely know what to think of Ryuji, but that's fine. That's more than anyone has given him at school in more than half a year, after all.

“Hey, I'm gonna come talk to you at school tomorrow, so don't ignore me, okay?”

He's a little self-conscious about it and tries to chuckle it away. After all, there's no _real_ reason Akira should truly be interested in talking to him – the good-for-nothing troublemaker, who can neither keep his focus in school nor even chase his dreams anymore, about whom even the teachers spread rumors and warn people from getting involved with him.

But despite everything, despite the countless reasons to get up, turn away and never return, Akira's lips curl up to a tiny smile when he nods, and for the first time, Ryuji truly understands how people can refer to someone as their _favorite_ , their _best friend._

Silently, he finds himself wishing that Akira might turn into something like that to him.

\--- ---

When he asks Akira for help with the track team, Ryuji doesn't even fully know what he expects. The guy doesn't know any of the former teammates, and he has absolutely no reason to help them, especially not after the only encounter he's had with them was them trying to tell the duo to get out of _their_ training spot, as they referred to it.

For highly selfish reasons, Ryuji likes thinking back to that day. The way Akira told him to calm down, giving him the most reassuring smile he could imagine, wordlessly letting him know that _I know it's not your fault, and it doesn't matter if they still blame you._ He was right, of course – getting mad, fighting back would only put Ryuji in the position to be blamed _more_. There was no reason for that, at least not anymore. He'd found new friends in Akira and Ann, and it simply wasn't worth risking that by getting mad – hell, it wasn't worth worrying his mom by getting in trouble yet again.

But Akira helping him is the _exact_ reason Ryuji stares at him, mouth wide-open, when he agrees to help without hesitating for even just a second. He doesn't expect an explanation, a justification to help the people that have never given him a reason to care for them – he simply nods and says:

“Sure. Let me know when.”

Initially, Ryuji planned to say _right now, maybe,_ but when he opens his mouth to answer, he feels it go dry, feels his eyes twitch. This sense of loyalty is something he hasn't seen in any person in…ever, most likely? The only person who would take a bullet for him without asking would be his mom, and she undoubtedly had countless more reasons to do so than someone who's been in his life for a few weeks.

Either way, instead of suggesting to go right now, Ryuji swallows hard, nods, grins widely and boxes Akira's shoulder before turning away to head for the train station. Suddenly, he's all in for a hot bowl of spicy ramen.

His heart jumps a bit when Akira agrees to join him.

\--- ---

It's not like he cares about how everyone else chooses to see him, at least not anymore. Ryuji knows the truth, knows that people don't even want to try and see that he's more than they're thinking. He's helped taking Kamoshida down, having him confess his sins and avenge the track team, the volleyball team and especially Shiho and Ann all at once. He's got a lot of things to be proud of.

But all of that doesn't hold up against the way he finds himself looking in the mirror, thick black roots indicating that he's been slacking with re-dyeing his hair for way too long now. Usually, his mom would do it for him, but she's been so busy that he hasn't been daring to ask. She needs all the sleep she can get, really.

Immediately, it's all there. The memory of running until his heart skipped a beat, of breathing so hard and heavily that it felt like he might drop unconscious. The shared grins between himself and the other team members, encouraging each other to try even harder, to get even better, to never back down from a harder, longer, more exhausting challenge.

He'd be a liar if he said he didn't mourn it, because he does. It was right to stand up against Kamoshida, Ryuji knows that now, but what value does that hold in the face of his hands clenching to fists, his eyebrows furrowing, his poor posture kicking the sad truth back at him over and over – _you're_ _d_ _one, you've lost your chance, you'll never run again, you'll never be a good student, you'll never not be a disappointment, you'll never stop draining your mom's energy, you'll never be worth a single goddamn thing-_

He jumps when his phone goes off, buzzing impatiently in his pocket. For a moment, he considers not picking up, but when he looks at it and reads Akira's name, something in him snaps – in a good way – and he's got the device raised to his ear before he can even think about it.

“H-hey!”

His voice is disgustingly dry, and he shakes his head for how it trembles. Nice performance so far.

“What's up, dude?”

“ _Nothing much. You want to come over and play some games?”_

Without even giving the question a thought, he agrees. Everything that was on his mind is suddenly blown out, even if not for long. It's like a strong shot of adrenaline pulsing in his veins, the desperate reach for something, _someone_ to cling onto, someone who understands him. Now that he thinks about it, Ryuji feels like he might drown if he doesn't go see Akira right this instant, and he's already out of both the bathroom and the apartment before he decides it's time to hang up.

When he arrives at Leblanc, he finds Akira waiting for him in one of the booths, looking up from his phone with his stereotype _polite guy next-door_ smile, and waves Ryuji over – he wouldn't have needed to, really, but whatever floats his boat, right?

“I made you some warm chocolate. I think I've finally got the hang of it.”

He forces himself to take a sip _before_ complimenting, even though it could taste like shit and he would still thank Akira for it – luckily though, it's as good as it looks, and Ryuji nods happily before sticking his thumb up in approval.

“It's great, man. Thanks.”

 

Akira's silent that day, more so than usually. Ryuji asks him about it at least four times, but he always blocks the question pretending he's busy focusing on the game, or casually saying that he's _really fine_. He isn't, though, even a blind guy would see that, and it drives Ryuji mad.

It's when he's already decided that it's time to go home soon – if he wants it or not, the last train _will_ leave, and it sure won't wait for him – that he finally grabs Akira's shoulder and forces him to face the topic, as little as he wants to. Honestly, Ryuji feels a bit pathetic, considering how he's been using the day to cover up how shitty he feels himself.

And he expects a lot. For Akira to block again. To be sent home. To be asked not to dig further into this. Hell, he even thinks that he might find out what the problem is, but instead, Akira smiles this disgustingly beautiful smile of his before wrapping Ryuji in a sloppy yet sincere hug.

“Whatever it is that's been bothering you the last days, Ryuji. I want you to know I'll support you, no matter what.”

He wants to answer something, assure Akira that he's fine like he's always been assuring his mom, brush it off and tell himself he doesn't need the support, doesn't need anyone to care for him like that, but the words are so soft, so honest, the hug so comforting that Ryuji, for the first time ever since awaking his Persona, wants to turn into a sobbing mess and let it all out. His fears, his pain, the realization that he's not worth this affection-

But Akira hums, lets go and cups his cheek like it's the most normal thing in the world, like they're meant to be this intimate, this close, like all these years they lived without each other just made them strong enough to be where they are right now, and without thinking, Ryuji takes a deep breath and nods.

“I…I guess these goddamn roots just make me too emotional.”

It's not a complaint and not a request, and yet it doesn't surprise him at all that less than an hour later, he finds himself sitting on the chair comfortably, Akira's wonderfully tender fingers caressing his head in the same loving way that his mom's always do it.

“You really don't need to do this for me, dude. 's a bit weird, don't you think?”

“Not at all. What friend would I be not to help you with this?”

Again, Ryuji's heart skips a beat, and he can't help but think:

_Still the best one I could ever imagine in this shitty world._

\--- ---

It becomes a routine to dye his hair together, just as much as going to the gym or the arcade or the monjayaki shop in Tsukishima has, and instead of fearing the sight of black hair on his head, Ryuji finds himself looking forward to it, to Akira's soft fingers caressing him, making him feel alive and cherished.

There's times where Akira can't make it – he has a shitton of friends, it's not even funny – and it takes Ryuji's whole composure not to scream at himself in front of his mirror, to keep telling himself that they'll do it tomorrow, or maybe the day after that, that Akira would never forget how much this means-

And he doesn't. Even with bags under his eyes, yawning passionately, he never loses a tad of his thoroughness, his commitment. Part of Ryuji feels bad for not sending his friend home to sleep, for enjoying his touch so incredibly much. It's selfish, he should wait, he should try to do it himself, even if it takes five hours, but he doesn't want to, and he really begs that Akira isn't mad at him for it.

“You've been scratching,” he suddenly says without judgment, stopping in his movement and parting the streaks to take a better look. It's almost scary how perceptive he is, and he isn't wrong. It's mostly an automated process for Ryuji whenever he's stressed – he scratches his skin. On his head, his neck, his bad leg, all the places that remind him of the past, of how sorry and poor his present would be if it weren't for Akira having found the way in his life.

“S-sorry.”

“I don't want you to be sorry, Ryuji.”

He picks up the work again, even gentler now in order not to harm the injured skin any more, but eventually, when Ryuji doesn't even notice himself shaking a bit, lets go and drops his arms to pull him into a hug, careful not to get any of the dye on him.

“I want you to trust me.”

“I do! Dude, I trust you more than anyone…”

“Then promise me this: Next time you need me, you'll let me know. I don't care if it's at 3am, I don't care if it's during class. You don't need a certified reason or circumstance to ask for help, and if anyone tells you otherwise, they can get lost.”

That's…the longest streak of words Ryuji has ever heard him say, and it's almost a bit overwhelming. Akira's voice, dripping with both the compressed anger he always displays towards society, and the endless care and zeal he puts in their friendship. It should be legally forbidden to be that good of a person and still be labeled a delinquent.

But because Ryuji is selfish when it comes to Akira, he doesn't mind. He knows that if it weren't for the probation, he would have never in his life met this perfect person, this embodiment of a reason to go on with life. It's selfish and it's ridiculous and somewhere deep inside his heart, it hurts that he has to feel that way in order to be alright, but he swallows the pain and allows himself to smile, lays his trembling fingers on top of Akira's and leans back just enough so that his blotched hair doesn't touch anything.

“I'm so glad that I met you.”

It's not the first time he says it, and it surely won't be the last, but it might be the moment that he finally understands where his place in the world is, and somehow, that's the best thing he could imagine himself wishing for.

\--- ---

For some reason, he's a bit nervous when he tells Akira. They're having monjayaki again, partly because that's just what they do, and partly to celebrate how well everything about the track team has been going. They're getting their teacher back, they'll go back to running and Ryuji is proud that he's part of the main reason for that possibility – not that he could have done it alone.

It happens almost naturally, when Akira asks him if he mourns that he's not going back. Weeks ago, he would've nodded slowly, looked away and sighed. He's missed the times endlessly, the feeling of mutual support even in a solo-sport like track running. He remembers the times that he hated seeing himself in mirrors, thinking of the old days, envied those who could still go on and pursue _his_ dream.

Now, though, he finds himself shaking his head immediately, a wide, _honest_ smile on his lips, and leans back comfortably. The times were good, back then, but nothing compared to how he feels right now, to how strong Akira's presence makes him feel. And because Ryuji knows he can be himself here, he can be _free,_ he just says it.

“I've found a new place, y'know? It sure ain't the same as back then, but it's damn good.”

Akira crosses his arms, a teasing smile on his lips. If Ryuji allowed himself to think about it, he'd feel it sparkling behind his eyes, but he doesn't; he focuses on Akira's glasses, the way his arms are folded in front of himself, the way he tilts his head slightly, the way his voice feels like ointment on a graze.

“Where is it?”

Maybe he knows already, at least it seems like it, but even if he's _nervous_ , Ryuji isn't _afraid_. He couldn't possibly say a thing that would make Akira turn away like that. They're too close.

_We're so close._

He likes that thought a bit too much.

“I guess it's…next to you? Which makes yours…next to me? Or well…maybe ahead? Somethin' like that, dude.”

He shakes the insecurity off with a chuckle, not too scared when Akira takes a while to reply, not too surprised when he says the exact thing Ryuji could've only hoped to hear in his most wonderful dreams.

“Right next to you sounds great, Ryuji.”

He swallows away the lump in his throat, and honestly, if he were any less of a scared coward, he would most likely admit the inevitable truth to himself right this instance: The way Akira's words, his presence, his entire being feel to him, it's nothing short of divine, and he's falling, falling so deep that he can barely see an end to it.

But Ryuji's weak, so he shuts his brain up before it can think any further, and lets himself remember:

_He's the best friend I could ever wish for._

_He's_ my _best friend._

For now, that has to do.

\--- ---

It's not like he's jealous, at least not really. Many friends come with less time for each individual of them, and it isn't to any surprise to Ryuji that all of the other Thieves want to spend time with Akira whenever they can. He's amazing, he's understanding, he's a storybook-boyfriend and at this point,  it seems like it's  only a matter of time until he and Makoto become a thing.

Okay, maybe Ryuji's a little jealous, alright?

He spends a decent amount of time alone in Shibuya  during the vacation – he's cool with Ann, and Yusuke can be nice, too, whenever he stops being obsessed with art for half a minute, but they're just  _different_ . They're okay friends to chill with here or there, but it majorly pales in comparison to Akira.

_Akira, Akira, Akira._

His mind is so goddamn spoiled with the name that even his mom has picked up  by now. Randomly, she asks questions like  _aren't you seeing Akira anymore?_ Ryuji wishes he could say that she's got things all wrong, that they're still as close as ever, that it's totally fine how they only see each other after school these days, and maybe once a week to hang out,  and of course when they meet with everyone else.

Problem is, he can't lie to his mom, and  _oh boy_ would that be a lie.  He's anything but okay with taking the backseat. Sure, he keeps being in Akira's close proximity whenever possible – they're close-up in the mona-car, their baton passes feel way more passionate than the ones with anyone else, they share looks, they share touches, they're  _best friends_ .

But somewhere along the line, that term has stopped being enough. He doesn't want to be that casual good buddy that can be substituted if truly needed. He doesn't want to feel like if Akira suddenly started dating someone, it'd be socially normal for Ryuji not to be the number one anymore.

_Anymore_ .

He chuckles humorlessly, because that's his problem, that's where he's the kind of idiot that people make him out to be. In all this time, through all they've faced together, during the fear of being expelled, of being sold to the police twice, of losing their ground over and over, he's never even had the guts to say anything but  _my place is next to you_ , which, in hindsight, could mean everything.

He looks at himself in the mirror, frowns at the frown on his face, tries to ease up and forces himself to accept it, to say it no matter how embarrassing it feels.

“I'm in love with you.”

It's quiet and he feels like a little school girl, but he's said it and that makes it real. As much as he enjoys looking at pretty girls, imagines being with one of them, tries his – poor – luck over and over, it's getting more and more obvious, more invasive how his every thought leads back to Akira. To the memory of the last time he felt those careful fingers in his hair, the cupped hand on his cheek, the last time this sacred smile has been his and only his to see.

Ryuji hasn't been pushy lately, he really hasn't. T he bags under Akira's eyes have been getting worse again, and  the fact that he's working around five part-time jobs surely doesn't help that. It would be selfish to call him, to force himself onto him like a plague. It wouldn't be fair.

Yet t he same night he admitted his feelings to himself, Ryuji wakes up, nails buried in the skin of his leg. It itches, proof enough that he's been scratching in his nervous, nightmare-filled sleep.

_I don't care if it's at 3am._

He considers. Akira sounded pretty definite about it back then, about how noticing these things later hurt him more than being called in the middle of the night. Eventually, when Ryuji finds his nails trailing over the injured skin, he decides that he can't take it anymore.

Something in him dies peacefully when Akira picks up and says:

“I've missed you so much.”

\--- ---

Somehow, things go back to how they used to be. Other than casually hanging out in Shibuya or at Leblanc  here and there , Saturday somehow turns into  _their day_ .

It all starts when Ryuji finds himself waiting for Akira in the hallway like always,  except he's checking his phone in an almost aggressive regularity. Saturdays mean that he's supposed to pick up groceries and prepare dinner before his mom comes home, because Sunday is the only day she gets a proper break from work, and she deserves it. But  _this_ Saturday, entrance to the gym is for free, and even though it's not  _that_ expensive in the first place, Ryuji knows that if they're quick, they can get a good training session in and he'll still be home before 8 – add that to the fact that they've barely managed to see each other that week, and…yeah.

Akira, obviously, is as calm and collected as always when he comes his way, Mona peeking out of the bag with as surprised of a look on his face as a cat can have.

“Dude, _hurry_! Do I gotta race ya to the station to lift ya spirits or what?”

They're carefree as always, and Akira nods, so the second they've left the building, Ryuji starts running – luckily so, since they actually manage to catch the train because of that, which wasn't a given considering how long he's waited in the hallway.

As soon as they enter, he forgets about the small bits of anxiety in himself. Hitting the gym with Akira isn't like track running, but the satisfaction Ryuji feels whenever they're here comes almost painfully close. They wear themselves – and each other, really – out until they know it's gonna hurt well in the morning, and usually they'd grab a meal right afterwards, but today, Ryuji obviously can't.

“You're awfully stressed today. Are you alright?”

“Ye. Ye.”

This time around, it'd be a miracle if Akira  _didn't_ notice, so Ryuji refrains from calling him out being too sharp.

“Just gotta get some shoppin' done before the store closes, and then prep dinner, and I'm garbage at grocery shoppin', I swear…”

Part of him expects Morgana to jump out of Akira's bag and remind Ryuji that he's garbage at everything, but it doesn't happen – and hasn't at all lately, a circumstance he doesn't quite understand yet highly appreciates, although he never brings it up.

Instead, the cat gives both of them a thorough look each, sighs desperately and suggests:

“Why don't you ask this guy then? He's pretty efficient, it's like he knows the position of every object by heart.”

It's probably the bright light and the fact that one of the light tubes is flickering, but Ryuji could swear that Akira's blushing faintly. About what, though? It really isn't surprising that this is another thing he's good at. There's more reasons than him being the leader as to why he takes care of buying weapons and medication for the Metaverse.

Then, Ryuji realizes he hasn't answered the question yet, and he's still standing frozen with his shirt tugged over both arms but not over his head yet. He resumes the motion before rubbing the back of his neck.

“I, uh, don't know, man. Feels like he's got enough on his mind. Does he ever sleep, even? Speakin' of which, your eye bags, dude. You need to cancel one of those goddamn jobs.”

“It's fine.”

It totally isn't fine.

“However, if I do help you, it would mean we could still have dinner together, right? I'd like that. It's always been part of our training routine.”

He's  _definitely_ blushing now, and Ryuji finds the sight so endearing that he can't stop the heat raising to his face, his chest and even his arms. Good thing he finally put his goddamn shirt on, right? Why Akira's so hesitant and shy about his words still is beyond him, but maybe it's because he's hardly someone to tell how he feels or what he wants – yeah, that must be it. Ryuji could count the times that Akira has asked something from him on one hand, most likely, this one included.

“I-I, yeah, I guess? I mean, totally, a-an' you could meet my mom? I bet she'd like that, too.”

“Sounds nice.”

“Oh, uhm, c-cool.”

He  shuts  up before he can stutter any more, but suddenly, he feels warm all over, and it has nothing to do with the training or the shower  or the slightly moist air in the room. His instinct tells him he needs to thank Morgana for that one – which is rare, honestly – so he decides to go all out and buys some extra-fancy sushi at the convenience store later – he  _did_ save 2000 Yen from the free gym day, after all.

To his entire surprise, Akira turns out to be a  _horrific_ cook. Ryuji doesn't believe it, at first, but Morgana swears he once almost died to a vegetable casserole and Akira doesn't deny it, so who's he to judge?

“But, dude…your curry? It's even better than boss's!”

“Because he'd kill me if it weren't, and he's been teaching me how to make it. I'm just…not good with anything other than _throw it all in a pot and stir._ ”

Maybe Ryuji should feel sorry for him, but it's hard to when it just makes him proud that there's actually something he's better at than Akira – that's honestly very rare to begin with.

His mom comes home a little late, causing  the m to waste some time reading manga before all enjoying dinner together. Needless to say, she's but entirely blown away by Akira – who doesn't fail to show perfect manners, interest in anything she feels like saying, and his flawless  _perfect son-in-law_ attitude. Even less needed to say, Ryuji almost buries his head in his food to avoid his mom's understanding look, because  _damn_ he knows he's been obvious lately, talking about his  _best friend_ a million times during dinner, and if there's a thing he doesn't need, it's her bringing up that very fact right in front of said best friend.

She lets it  go , because she's the best mom anyone in the world could ever wish for, however gives a very judging look when Akira claims he should head home, soon.

“I don't like that idea, sweetheart.”

She already loves him, and Ryuji doesn't even wonder why.

“There's horrible people out there at night, especially on the weekends. Ryuji, dear, I'd much prefer your friend to stay here.”

It's like she's judging both of them at once for not immediately deciding on that from the get-go. They hardly ever have sleepovers, and if they do, it's because either of them is having a really bad day. Somehow, the thought of just spending the night playing games together or reading manga hasn't yet occurred to Ryuji, and he wonders if Akira is just a tad confused about it, as well.

“Y-yeah, you're probably right. Dude, tomorrow's Sunday anyway, right? No pressure, then.”

“He also attracts trouble, let's not forget that!”

Morgana almost cries, and Ryuji has a  _very_ hard time not answering to that when his mom gives the cat a shocked look. No matter how much he trusts her, including her in the Phantom Thieves business is just an absolute no-go.

“I suppose I would appreciate that. Thank you, Sakamoto-san. Thanks, Ryuji.”

They answer in unison.

“Not for this.”

\--- ---

At some point, Sunday turns into  _their day_ as well. While at first it was only them going grocery shopping  after school on Saturdays , having dinner and a sleepover and Akira heading home in the morning – although  _morning_ is a bendable term, because  _damn_ does the guy love to sleep in whenever he can – they end up spending the whole weekend together, from watching movies to going to Shibuya or Akihabara or any other place to simply just relaxing all day doing nothing, bathing in the presence of each other.

Maybe, just maybe, the amount of times they end up cuddled into a pile increase s each week, and maybe it gets to a point that Morgana eventually jumps on top of them and  curls up , effectively keeping them from getting up again. It's not like Ryuji usually wants to get up, though, because yet again he can feel fingers in his hair, and while at first, he finds them a bit embarrassing, he's come to the point where he doesn't mind the goosebumps spreading on his whole body. So what if he enjoys being in Akira's arms so much that it makes his whole body react? That's not forbidden, and it's not like he has to be ashamed about it.

But even so, he's hesitant on returning the action.  Akira's hair feels way too good between his fingers, so much softer than his own slightly spiky streaks, and Ryuji wonders if it's okay for his heart to race so much because of that. Sure, he very well knows by now what he feels for his best friend, that it's actually so much more than that, but as selfish as he can be, he's not going to ruin the best possible friendship in the world by spilling it.

“You smell like peppermint,” Akira suddenly says out of nowhere, his voice muffled by how deep he's buried his face in the crook of Ryuji's neck. His breath is warm, and now that he brings it up, he reeks of coffee again himself, but it smells really damn good; it almost smells like _home._

“Sorry?” Ryuji suggests as a reply, but Akira shakes his head, hair slightly tickling the skin on Ryuji's cheek.

“Don't be. It's my favorite smell.”

He decide s to hear it as  _you're my favorite smell_ and feels a little ridiculous about it,  but at the same time proud. Well, at least until Morgana makes gagging sounds and jumps off the bed dramatically.

“ _Please_ open the window so I can get out of here.”

“We're on the fourth floor, you damn cat.”

“I'm a Phantom Thief, you imbecile!! If there's a thing I'm not scared of, it's getting down from the fourth floor!”

They bicker back and forth until Akira decides that he's had it and gets up to open a window. It's still a relief, but honestly, Ryuji feels like the fighting with Morgana has been getting less hostile over the months, closer to how he feels when he's talking to Ann, so he really doesn't mind it as much.

With the cat gone, the mood somehow shifts, too. It's still easy, calm and relaxed, but they don't go back to dozing  off in bed  all c uddled up. There's games waiting to be played, manga waiting to be read, and Akira claims they still haven't finished watching their last movie – and Ryuji doesn't have the heart to tell him that he just fell asleep during it, so they watch it again, and actually, he doesn't mind, because since he already knows what happens, he can instead focus on everything he cares more about right now – like the happy smile on Akira's face, his content hum when the villain appears on screen, his shy laughter at a joke Ryuji forgets the second it drops.

Just like that, things are  almost perfect, and he thinks  that at some point in the near future, he might be able to bring up the courage and be honest with Akira. Maybe he won't ruin everything, and maybe it'll ease the tight string around his heart that he tries so desperately to ignore.

They're best friends, and he chooses to believe that something as innocent as  _I love you, man_ isn't enough to ruin that.

Maybe one day.

\--- ---

As much as Ryuji keeps thinking about it – about Akira, about his feelings, about their weekends, about how he depicts their future more often than he should – when things finally change, it feels like he hasn't had even a second to understand himself or the situation he's in.

Things are the same as always, at least for the most of it, but as much as people continue on telling him he is, Ryuji in fact  _isn't_ an idiot. He knows very well just how much they're risking over and over, and while things have been close more often than not on his watch, this instance is just  _different_ .

“I don't wanna let ya go there. It's suicide, man.”

The words are out before he thinks about them properly, and the shock on Akira's face is evidence enough that he hasn't expected them. With the others around, he'd say things like  _it's fine_ or  _I'm the leader_ or  _someone has to_ , and as little as Ryuji wants to agree, he can't deny that it's at least partly true. If they don't risk this, they're all in major trouble, but does that mean he needs to be okay with Akira letting himself get caught on purpose.

“But we've had this Ryuji. If I don't do it, then-”

“I ain't sayin' I'll stop ya. I just wanna make clear I don't agree with doin' this.”

That's technically the same as trying to stop him, he knows. It's selfish, it's dense, it's a bit arrogant, but Ryuji allows himself to feel that way just now, just this once without feeling like he needs to regret it. He doesn't expect Akira to thank him for it, to be grateful or burst into tears  or anything dramatic at all , and he surely doesn't expect the tight hug he's suddenly being pulled into, the way they stand in silence under the moonlight  in the middle of Shibuya, how the world seems to disappear around them when he hugs back and they stand in silence for seconds, minutes, maybe hours, he wouldn't be able to say.

“Thank you, Ryuji.”

The way Akira's voice breaks a bit breaks Ryuji's heart right with it, and he wishes even more that things could be different, that they could go back in time and be more careful, never lose track of their goal as Phantom Thieves. He wishes that he could have been stronger all that time ago, that there were anything he could do.

“I don't know what I would do without you.”

Ryuji doesn't know, either, but he has quite a lot of bad ideas. Without Akira, life would still be dull, maybe he would have dropped out of school months back, maybe Kamoshida would have gotten him expelled, maybe he would have gotten into a fight serious enough to render him unmoving for more than the months he's already spent on rehabilitation back last year.

“Me neither, man.”

“Ryuji. Promise me something.”

He lets go just  so that they can look at each other, still close enough that he can see the faint trembling in Akira's lips, how slightly widened his eyes are, how he's looking for the right words to say in a world so full of wrong things, and Ryuji can't help but swallow hard before he nods, his own motions just as shaky as Akira's.

“Let's see this through together…without regrets.”

It sounds finite, the last thing Ryuji wants to see them as, but it's Akira's wish, and maybe it's the  last, the only chance to ever make it real, to admit it, to push himself over a wall he wouldn't have ever dared to try climbing if it weren't for Akira being there.

He's imagined the moment at least a good few dozen times  by now, something he's neither proud nor ashamed of, but when he decides to finally block the whole world around them,  decides to lean in, it's so far from anything he's expected. It's hardly a kiss, he just brushes their lips together for half a second at best before pulling back, but never letting go of Akira, never allowing himself to look away, as insecure as he is.

With each passing second, he feels his heart sink a bit further. There's something like fear in Akira's eyes, something like regret, something like pain, but then it all fades at once when he blinks, smiles and returns the action, only so much more passionate, so much more definite,  so much more loving-

Simply  _so much more._

If Akira's hands have been feeling soft all this time, then Ryuji's vocabulary needs a new word for his lips. It clashes with his self-assured, confident personality in all the best ways, it's like a hidden  kin of innocence that no one else has never seen and will never see, and it's enough to fill Ryuji with pride. Their noses touch gently, their bodies so close that it prickles everywhere, and it's only when they finally let go that he remembers that there's people around them, and while most don't care, there  _are_ some looks.

Out of nowhere, Morgana gags loudly, and Ryuji couldn't be more thankful about it, because it eases his mind, allows him to laugh and ignore the heat in his whole body, the way his hands shake even now that he's holding his belly from how hard he's laughing.  He's imagined a ton of ways this could've gone right, and even more how it could've gone wrong, but yet again, as always, things are perfect, and for the first time since he they've met, he finds himself able not to question why Akira keeps up with him.

_Maybe I'm worth a bit more than I've been thinking._

_Maybe there_ is _a future for us, after all._

\--- ---

It's not before they're back in each other's arms alone days later that they bring it up again, but when they are, the world finally feels alright again. Things are back to how they should be, and after days of fear, of insecurity, of turning in his own bad back and forth, haunted by nightmares and waking up bathed in sweat, Ryuji can't bring himself to hold back the first instance he opens his mouth.

“I think I love you.”

It doesn't sound half as confident as he hoped it would, but not half as insecure as he expected, so that's alright. For whatever reason, though, Akira chuckles, sounds almost innocent while doing so, and buries his face in the crook of Ryuji's neck like he always does.

“You think?”

“Y-yeah? I-I mean, you're my best friend 'n all, b-but it's also more, but then again I…I'm not sure w-what exactly I feel so, y-yeah I guess maybe that-”

“I love you, too.”

So, yeah, he's officially dying. His heart jumps right out of his chest, he catches his breath, his eyes tear up then go dry in an instance, his mouth agape and his mind too occupied with repeating the words all over like a lullaby, like they're all he's ever lived and will ever live for.

“W-what…”

“Ah, sorry, let me say that again. I love you, Ryuji.”

He dies again, if that's possible? All the countless weeks – _months_ by now – of pining, of how close they've constantly been, of how much time they've been spending together…hell, not even the fact that they've _kissed_ on the open street a few days ago has had nearly as much impact as those few words. It's like back when he told his reflection about these feelings – somehow, saying it out loud makes it more real, hearing it makes it more real. Until now, the devil on his shoulder has tried to convince him that there's still reasons why Akira doesn't, _can't_ feel the same for him.

“S-somehow, I'm surprised.”

“Mh, I can see that. You thought I kissed you back for good measure, or…?”

He's teasing now, and Ryuji takes it as a big invitation to trace down Akira's sides gently yet forcefully until he turns into a laughing, begging mess, pleading him to stop and give him a moment to breathe, but he can't. There's nothing as wonderful as that laugh, nothing that could assure him of things finally being okay any better than that. He doesn't want to let go, he _can't_ let go, even when their playful banter turns back into hugging, even when Akira cups his cheek the same loving, understanding way like he always does, and smiles that beautiful smile of his before leaning in for another kiss, even more secure this time, more passionate, more loving. It nibs on Ryuji's understanding of the word _perfection_ , on how people keep on saying that it's a concept that doesn't exist, and he wants to laugh in their faces, because they're so, _so_ wrong, they simply have no idea because they've never been as lucky as he is right here, right now.

They eventually let go, their kisses turning into sloppy pecks on lips, cheeks, chins and noses, hands thoroughly caressing each and every inch of skin they can find peeking out of their clothing, and it is when Morgana, yet again, jumps on top of their bodies and settles down, purring contently, that they calm down entirely and take a deep breath.

“Wow, this only took forever, didn't it. You're _both_ morons, after all.”

And it is only due to Akira humming sweetly, nodding just a tad to indicate that he's fine with that, that Ryuji decides against arguing with the cat. If he thinks about it, really, the words weren't half as hostile as they could have been, after all, and maybe Morgana isn't _that_ wrong about them, either.

It _has_ taken them forever, but maybe that's part of why it's so indescribably good.

\--- ---

Too many things keep happening to them, and Ryuji wonders where he'd be if it weren't for Akira being by his side. He regrets asking himself that precise question when Akira turns himself into custody after they've finally won, because it feels like Ryuji summoned this outcome with his genuine curiosity. Every day is like a chore, every night a whole new world of bad dreams.

It's not even like he can blame Akira, because he knows he would do the same if it were the other way around. He knows that he risked his life back in Shido's palace, he knows that he doesn't regret it, he knows he'd do it again without even so much as blinking, so who is he to judge? And yet, he wishes he could turn back time, he wishes he'd had made the choice to tell Akira he loved him more often, like, at like five times a day, or maybe ten, or maybe all around the clock, and Ryuji hates this feeling of things being too late, of having missed a chance, the feeling of _regret._

It's one of the main reasons he throws himself into _Mission: Free Akira_ so desperately, so wholeheartedly, so eagerly that the other former Thieves give him curious looks. It's a miracle they haven't picked up yet, and Ryuji wonders if he should just explain, but then again, it's not only his choice to make, and he wants Akira by his side if he ever decides to tell a soul about their relationship.

He wonders if anyone would be jealous of him, now? Part of him hopes it, and part of him feels bad for the thought, but maybe that's simply his way of acknowledging how amazing Akira is, how much the whole world should kneel for him and praise him like the divine entity he's always been in Ryuji's life.

Sometimes, he can't help but wonder which is stronger – his love for Akira, or his admiration for him, but usually, he ends up accepting that he can't measure either because they're _so strong_.

“Ain't nothin' wrong with wantin' your best friend back, is there?!” he says instead, just a bit defensively, a bit provocatively to make sure they don't question it.

There really isn't, is there?

They all notice there's so much more to it than _wanting his best friend back_ the second they're reunited. Akira looks calm as always, hands buried deep in his pockets, the polite good-guy smile on his lips like nothing bad had ever happened to him. It makes Ryuji mad, but _oh man_ does it make him happy, and he can't seem to care when he jumps up and pulls his best friend – his place to be, his safe haven, his sanctuary, his _home_ – into his arms tightly and doesn't let go before Ann scolds him, saying “ _let us welcome him back, too, Ryuji!”_

He does, even if hesitantly, but the encouraging nod Akira gives him is enough to ensure Ryuji that it's okay, that things are finally _truly_ alright, that they're free, that they're back where they belong – next to each other, like they've vowed to be so many, many months ago. For now, that's everything he needs – or almost everything, maybe, for he can't deny he's happy to see Morgana when he returns. It doesn't matter if they bicker all day long, the cat _has_ been a true companion, and Ryuji thinks that all the times cuddled up in bed wouldn't be the same without a purring heater on top of himself, although he'd never say that out loud.

“Damn, someone pinch me please, still ain't fully convinced this is happenin'.”

He flees in direction of the attic when everyone takes that as an open invitation to pinch his arm, but he can't stop his laughter while he does so.

\--- ---

Even though he spends so much time inside playing games or reading manga, Ryuji _loves_ nature. Chirping birds, the sound of wind in his ears, waves reflecting the rising sun, the distinctive smell of fresh air – it's amazing, and the coffee-reeking furnace right next to him is but the icing on that tasty cake.

“This won't change anythin', will it?” he dares to ask innocently, his head buried in the crook of Akira's neck for a change, a soft, tender touch on his slightly cold arm under the blanket they share. He's tired, which isn't a surprise since they stayed awake talking the whole night, but that's fine by him. He'll nap later, when the rest of the group decides to get up.

“No. Please don't worry.”

He isn't sure if he's worried, but then again, he _did_ ask, so…

“I'll always return to your side, you know? It's where I belong, after all.”

A content hum leaves him, and he still feels like his heart skips one or the other beat when Akira says things like that. His mom said that it's normal, that he's in love and that she's _so, so happy_ for him, so Ryuji figures that it's fine, that the casual times he needs to catch his breath in awe are a good thing, that he should cherish them for as long as they're there.

Somewhere deep inside, he hopes, no, he _believes_ that Akira will never stop taking his breath away.

“Yeah, right. And I'll be waitin' for ya. Always. I promise.”

“Always it is.”

They fall silent, and the fact that no one tries to jump-scare them awake is empowering, relieving maybe. They all know, and they all understand, and that's all that matters.

\--- ---

All things considered, he expected the days and weeks without Akira to be worse. Sure, Ryuji is touch-starved after like, a week or so, but at least they talk to each other on the phone everyday, they text through classes, Akira even forces him to _study_ together because _of course_ he knows that Ryuji's doing worse without him at Shujin now. Overall, things are quite alright.

That doesn't change anything about the fact, though, that he finds himself unable to stand still when they're all waiting at the train station on the first day of vacation, all desperate to see Akira again. Part of Ryuji is jealous that he can't have him to himself, but then again, he _will_ undoubtedly be the one Akira will spend the most time with, so what room does he have to complain. It doesn't take more than Ann raising a finger and Futaba squeaking for Ryuji to spot Akira, and for him to let all of his energy flow free when he _sprints_ over.

He's glad Morgana jumps out of the bag in advance, because the impact of his body takes both Akira and himself down to the concrete floor. A moment of awkward silence follows, but then Akira's chuckling, a tender hand right on the back of Ryuji's head, and no, _he's not crying, you're crying,_ but damn if anyone actually expects him to care, because he doesn't.

“I missed you, damn dude I missed you. S-so stupidly much, man.”

“I missed you, too.”

“D-did I ever, like, did I ever tell ya I love you, b-because I do, and, like, did I ever?”

He's a mess, voice muffled by Akira's perfect skin, and Ryuji can't stop himself from laughing when Akira casually pulls his phone out of his pocket and announces.

“Yes, actually. The last time you did was, wait…forty-five seconds ago.”

But he doesn't give Ryuji the time to complain, to explain that he could never say it enough or even _too much_ , because he already adds:

“I love you, too. I love you so much.”

_So much_ .

That's really what Akira has always been. So much of a good friend, a great student, a competent leader, a pillar to lean on. So much of everything good in the world, of everything no one could truly deserve to call theirs.

He is simply  _so much_ to Ryuji that words could never be enough to explain it.

It's a bit overwhelming when he thinks back to how all of this started. How his life was in a constant downwards-spiral, how nothing in the world seemed to make sense, how there was no real reason to go on, to even just try. And then with the simplicity of listening, of looking out for each other like it was meant to be, they slowly developed into what they are now. Ryuji isn't yet quite sure what exactly it is, how to put into words even just parts of what he feels, of how perfect things are, of how he never wants anything to change.

All he knows is that wherever he' ll end up being , he won't be alone. All his fears and insecurities, the days of being alone and scared, lonely and angry, they all pale, they all  _fade_ in the face of Akira's marvelous smile, the blissful way his lips curl up when his eyes close, the tenderness of his fingers brushing any bad in the world away in a heartbeat.

No, Ryuji really doesn't know where he's headed.

But wherever it is, he  finally  knows it'll be good.


End file.
